2005: All The News That Wasn't

January

President Bush says Social Security is part of an Axis of Evil, along with same sex marriage and malpractice suits.

The weapons of mass destruction team quits looking in Iraq and starts look in the Social Security Administration.

Under the Bush proposal payroll taxes will be diverted to an account in Midland, Texas.

The Saturn Titan probe finds heavy metal islands in a methane sea and signs of primordial offshore banking.

Mr. Bush mistakenly agrees to meet with ABBA in the Middle East; Swedish group may re-form.

At his inauguration the president’s rhetoric soared to heights usually found only in insurance riders. In a seeming non sequiter, Mr. Bush called for an end to despicable regimes and Tyra Banks.

A bittersweet moment as the cameras picked up Colin Powell outside his refrigerator box on the Ellipse.

February

First step towards democracy at Neverland: Jury selection. Hard to find a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers.

State of the Union highlight was when Mr. Bush took out a cardboard box, put three walnut halves on top and challenged congress to find which one retirement benefits were under.

The president proposed a faith-based social security system where benefits would be paid out in a lump sum at the rapture, on the way out.

Said he’d leave some children behind if he had to.

Recalled the story of the Iraqi interpreter whose “Tell America not to abandon us,” was a loose translation of “Tell my cousin in Westchester not to forget the money order.”

During the Super Bowl halftime, Paul McCartney sidesteps controversy by substituting “Let it Be” for “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

A plane landing in Denver was quarantined after a woman in coach developed a rash; probably just a latex allergy from the screening.

The British scientist who cloned Dolly the sheep is working on Davy the shepherd.

March

The secret-recorded Bush tapes have been handed over to the White House where Jenna has already taped the new Kid Rock over them.

The court’s expected ruling on the Ten Commandments is that five are good to go, two need to be run past legal, and three are iffy.

Hunter S. Thompson to be Quaker-Oated into space.

North Korea, mad about the “outpost of tyranny” crack, wants an apology from Condoleeza and a free throw at California with a Kim Yong Dong warhead.

The first sign of spring as Martha Stewart pops her head out.

Men pick up five weeks in life expectancy on women; decide not to take it, since what’s the point?

HUAS—The House Un-American Steroids Committee—will subpoena ballplayers.

Congressmen want to know if these are the same shots Bill Frist’s been doling out in his office.

Russell Crowe reveals Osama Bin Laden wanted to kidnap him, although it may have been Meg Ryan.

In North Dakota, fish houses are being used as meth labs. That’s why they don’t come back with fish and you can never find the Sudafed.

Bill Gates has been made a knight, although not a Jedi, his biggest wish.

Brett Favre is coming back to the Packers, and, to show he’s a sport, this time he’ll do it without an offensive line.

Wisconsin may put feral cats on the “shoot ‘em if you got ‘em” list that feral mice are already on.

April

President Bush says there is no daylight, no savings and no time, and that we’ll run out of daylight entirely by 2018.Camilla will become queen if Charles ever grows up.

Pope’s will neglects to mention Mel Gibson.

Woman who found finger in food gets toe-main.

The unusually forgiving warden whose wife disappeared for ten years with an escaped killer takes them both back.

President’s popularity sinks to near invasion levels.

A presidential commission says the FBI is really the FIB, and the CIA the C- I- Told You So.

Tickle me Elmo lodges complaint against Michael Jackson.

The rectangular shape in the back of President Bush’s jacket during the debates turns out to have been his I-Pod.

The man with two suitcases in front of the capitol found to be Tom DeLay.

President Bush says he will proceed without DeLay.

Faith based bankruptcy law passes—now you’ll be able to declare moral bankruptcy. Jane Fonda says she sat on lots of cannons she regrets.

May

The Runaway Bride. There were warning signs—she was registered at Greyhound. A father’s worst nightmare: all non-refundable deposits.

Kim Il Jong of North Korea vows to eat Condoleeza’s dog.

Evolution reversed in Kansas schools—kids will start in 12th grade and graduate kindergarten.

Ford and GM downgraded by Standard & Poor to Substandard & Worse.

“Beat It” is introduced as evidence in the Michael Jackson trial, although Billy Jean says he was not the one.

The NFL says the preponderance of three hundred pound-plus players is not the result of steroids but water weight from Gator Aide.

Red alert sounded in Washington, D.C. after Mr. Bush seen mountain biking in the area.

Grenade found near President Bush in former Soviet republic nearly causes outbreak of World War One.

British archeologists find 2,000 year old shoe, must wait two millennia for other shoe to drop.

June

“Brain Center for Sarcasm Found.” Yeah, right.

Michael Jackson accused of taking unfair advantage of Make-a-Wish Foundation.

After yet another campaign swing to push social security proposals, President retires to ranch to beat dead horse.

Saudis to allow females to drive, but only from the back seat. Back-Sunni driving.

Wisconsin’s legislature advances a “pharmacist’s morality bill,” which allows pharmacists to dispense from a confessional.

Boy Scouts Gangsta Homeboys Troop 51 of Atlanta turns out to be all white; “down wit dat” badge to be recalled.

Jeb Bush vetoes anti-looting law in Florida, afraid it may apply to elections.

Geneticists in Utah discover Jews smart but Mormons have the good teeth.

Runaway bride gets probation, fiancé protective custody.

Center for Disease Control says it’s all right for me to be a few pounds overweight, in fact it’s better than being too skinny.

Researchers determine that bouncing baby to musical beats does not ingrain rhythm in white families .

July

With Karl Rove under a cloud, The Fantastic Four--Rummy the Human Torch; Cheney, Mr. Fantastic; The Invisible Girl, Condi; and Rove, The Thing—may
break up.

At the G-8 conference, Mr. Bush suggests that warming was caused by uranium in Africa.

Hillary compares Bush to Alfred E. Neuman; Bush says, “What, me worry?”

Vatican comes out against evolution despite the fact that the Pope is a Primate.

In a compromise, the Supreme Court rules that public institutions may display every other Commandment.

450 sheep jump to deaths in Turkey as shepherd has extremely restless night.

Cameron Diaz’s breasts on trial before a jury of her pairs.

Sponge Bob Square Pants makes a negative a positive by promoting fruits.

U.S. workers said to waste 2 hours each day—the one going to work and the one coming home.

An Oklahoma woman is charged with BUI—birthing under the influence—after giving birth while drunk. The baby, Jack Daniels, said to be doing fine .

Oompa-Loompas arrested in crackdown on illegal aliens. Besides working at the Wonka factory, they’ve been cleaning Wal-Marts at night.

In the news, President Bush nominates cute guy with great personality for Supreme Court Homecoming King.

Patriot Act extension passes the house, includes the right to be fired upon when they see the whites of your eyes; to hang together or assuredly hang alone, and to regret you have but one life to give for your country.

The Pentagon has come up with a method for determining Iraqi troop readiness: if, when they pull on their boots, the toes point to the front, they are deemed ready.

All 30 governors meeting at the Governor’s Conference in Des Moines to run for president; locals lock doors and fetch kerosene.

The approval of same sex marriage in Canada will be commemorated with a coin with the queen on both sides.

Governor Schwarzenegger seen in Speedo, Fitness magazine cancels contract; Maria Shriver’s safety during post-steroidal manslide questioned.

Michael Jackson puts in a bid on Hitler’s old place in Germany, hopes to create Der Neverbunker.

Florida 76-year-old forced to sell crack cocaine from walker due to the complicated Medicare prescription policy.

August

Homeland Security replaces threat color chart with individual mood rings.

Panels criticize the Administration Shock and Awe war plan and Shuck and Jive peace plan for Iraq.

Iraq and Iran are now on a neighborly basis, even dropping over to return mis-delivered mail.

North Korea comes to the table, pours a cup of tea with a mouse in it.

House mistakenly approves KAFKA instead of CAFTA; American workers awake to find themselves transformed into giant cockroaches.

House inserts “Companies” between Energy and Bill at the last minute.

Sea Birds fouling pristine arctic cliffs scared off by large statue of Gail Norton.

Moses personally hurls down and smashes 1O Commandments on lawn of Georgia courthouse after finding townsfolk worship golden bulldog.

USDA investigating whether tiger mauling of Roy—of Siegfried and—a hate crime.

Bush to smuggle Bolton into UN in diplomatic pouch. UN preemptively moves to Brooklyn, leaving no forwarding address.

South Koreans clone dog; North Koreans clone cat.

Iran continues work on the peaceful use of nuclear power, including a
canal through Israel. Lengthwise.

Old Saudi king does not die, just Fahds away.

Rafael Palmeiro celebrates his 3,000th hit of Stanozolol, a dietary supplement found only in needles. Says he grabbed the Preparation S instead of Preparation H.

Palmeiro’s case has led to calls for random Congressional testimony.

Turns out some of John Roberts’ best friends are gay; right wing begins to wonder if maybe he is a little too good looking.

President Bush weighs in in favor of intelligent design, although he couldn’t say why.

A study finds cigarette smoking leads to belly fat—and all this time we’ve been blaming the beers .

President Bush to sign bill with 15 billion in tax breaks for hard-strapped power conglomerates. Consumers will get an extra month of Daylight Savings in case they can’t afford to keep the lights on.

Mr. Bush also signed the $286 billion highway robbery bill.

Army recruiting up in July as rejects from reality shows sign up in droves.

Plans for the anti-Clinton library in Little Rock fall through as engineers have trouble making the cigar-shaped structure stand up.

79 year-old rector of St. Patrick’s in New York, named as other man in secretary’s divorce proceedings, blames liberal media for giving him the idea.

NASA to use packing peanuts instead of foam on next shuttle.

All sharps removed in preparation for Rafael Palmeiro’s return to the Oriole’s bench.

Tom DeLay to go back to Orkin, part-time.

2 Michael Jackson jurors say they voted to acquit after being threatened with a sleepover at Neverland.

Ag Department head to be entombed in food pyramid.

Oliver Stone busted for pot possession; blames Warren Commission.

Topeka School Board OK’s criticizing evolution in class, but you still can’t say a word about PE, math, or social studies.

Bamboo, the Seattle Zoo’s ill-tempered 38 year-old elephant, will be moved to Tacoma to live with two similarly tempered females to form a pachyderm version of “The View.”

Iran opens the seventh seal on its nuclear plant.

September

Federal emergency head Michael Brown downgraded to a tropical depression.

FEMA has been downgraded to FEBL.

Mr. Bush says he will appoint a commission to find out why it took so long to send in help just as soon as he gets around to it.

Did dispatch Dick Cheney to the Gulf where he managed to avoid hugging anybody and handed out Halliburton refrigerator magnets.

The president tried but just couldn’t link the destruction to Sadaam Hussein.

The FEMA debit card—don’t lose your home without it.

Pat Robertson has remained coy in the aftermath, not taking credit for calling this one in.

Little progress at providing temporary housing; in they’re having a lot of trouble getting the thousands of trailers out of Georgia since, frankly, they’re being lived in.

Michael Jackson offered to put up evacuees at Neverland, but, so far, no takers.

President Bush said he didn’t want to get in the way of Rita. Didn’t get in the way of Katrina, and you can’t play favorites.

Mr. Bush was airborne for 72 hours circling the projected landfall with a mission accomplished banner, L.L. Bean slicker, nor’easter cap and waders.

Was some concern that the president might attract the storm.

V.P. Cheney was ready to go down to Beaumont and throw himself over the oil refineries, but the knees wouldn’t allow it.

President Bush, exasperated after all the “liberal” cracks since his Katrina rebuilding speech, pushes down the blind African-American news vendor at the White House commissary.

Jet Blue announces it’s dropping the 36 channels of live TV in coach in favor of “Everybody Loves Raymond” reruns. They will be offering True Blue mileage credit for circling.

Kenny Chesney reportedly still on a week-long tractor pull bender.

US to revisit moon in 2018; lunar walker being prepared for Neil Armstrong.

After being thrown together for so many causes, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton to tour in “Birdcage.”

October

Harriet Miers would be the first pit bull in size 6 shoes to serve on the Supreme Court.

Being the President’s attorney she should be pretty good at getting the country out of potentially embarrassing scrapes, or at least keeping it out of the papers.

Former Education Secretary William Bennett says knowing when to keep your mouth shut was inadvertently omitted from the Book of Virtues.

New Chief Justice John Roberts will get Anna Nicole Smith right off the bat, putting his tendency towards sarcastic opinions severely to the test.

Tom DeLay goes on TV with wife’s old cloth coat and a stuffed terrier.

With most of the Republican leadership about to be under indictment, the president’s agenda will have to wait for visiting hours.

Fundraising will slow to a trickle since prison work only pays 50 cents an hour.

Majority leader Bill Frist claims he just had a Martha moment when he dumped his stock before it tanked. In Oz he will be affectionately known as Doc.

Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown blames victims for disaster and says the Arabian horses were nags, too.

More economists and virtually all dentists speak of recession.

In California, Governor Arnold vetoes the same-sex marriage bill risking alienating the core of his muscle-man magazine following.

Oregon Supreme Court says no way they’re paying a ten-dollar cover if the girls don’t get any closer than four feet.

Jets and Giants to share stadium since each uses only half the field.

2 of 3 Americans convinced they didn’t evolve; other third believes they may be right.

Iraqis have one combat-ready division, not three—some of the guys have been answering more than once at roll call. For their cousins.

Alert confirms what New Yorkers have known for years—doublewide baby strollers are terror weapons.

President Bush says Osama is Hitler, Zarqawi is Stalin, Clinton is Chamberlain, and he’ll be Churchill, since mom wouldn’t let FDR in the house.

Karl Rove picked up for another 16 weeks by the grand jury.

Another indictment for Tom DeLay—pulled the first arrow out and broke it in two. With his teeth.

Conservatives are expected to apply their litmus test to Miers: how did she feel about The March of the Penguins?

President Bush says in the event of a flu outbreak he will use the military to force people to stay warm, get plenty of bed rest and drink lots of fluids, under his powers as Influenza-in-Chief.

Bird flu. Dog flu. Got a bird dog he’s as good as dead.

A compromise in the German leadership: Angela Schroeder.

The military achieves its recruiting goal of army of one.

New choice for Supreme Court so far to the right he’s known as Alito the Hun.

Pope John Paul’s ’75 Escort goes for $690,000 at auction, but it was only driven to St. Peter’s on Sundays.

Scooter—gone with a whine and a puff of smoke.

This thing could eventually go all the way to the top, but Cheney doesn’t seem worried.

A new poll says that if the election were held today Mr. Bush would lose to Pauly Shore.

That a WNBA star is gay makes the news.

Wal-Mart will only hire associates with no pre-existing conditions who agree not to develop any.

Negotiators on torture bill have feet held to the fire.

President Bush says Baghdad still safe enough for Sadaam’s trial—only lawyers are being killed.

Tom DeLay challenges any court to try him, any jail to hold him. Claims he’s still President of Iraq.

Jeb Bush apologizes for Wilma, as he has for Columba and Noelle.

Howard Stern to be replaced by three 14-year-old boys and a stack of their dads’ old Playboys.

November

Bad timing with this bird flu initiative coming the same time as “Chicken Little.”

The president suggests, should you contract bird flu, get plenty of nest and peck lots of fluids.

President Bush receives a warm to the point of incendiary welcome in Argentina.

While the president has a smattering of Spanish many of the phrases were unfamiliar to him. Sounded like Tierra del Fuego.

All those tango lessons for nothing.

CIA said to operate a chain of Holiday Pens around the globe.

A family watchdog group claims one American Girl Doll a lesbian.

Senator Elizabeth Dole, former Red Cross head, ordered to return 80,000 pints of illegal corporate blood.

Dick Cheney proposes only using torture where culturally acceptable.

Senate already drilling in the Arctic.

Biology students in Pennsylvania—instead of dissection—will be required to make frogs from mud.

Due to the bird flu care, they tried to give the traditional turkey to the president, but he turned tail and ran. Turkey too. Of course, the turkey always thinks he’s being given a president, so imagine how he felt.

Vice president Cheney says the accusation that the administration manufactured intelligence is “one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever aired ,” and he’s aired some doozies.

Woodward questioned in disappearance of Bernstein.

The Interior Minister of Iraq reassures the public that the starving prisoners found in a secret prison come from a broad cross-section of the citizenry. The New Iraq: Diversity in Torture.

FEMA official says evacuees will be thrown out of their hotels because they’re just a disaster waiting to happen.

Investigation finds morning after pill decision made the night before.

December

Democrats call for an immediate withdrawal, whenever. Send in more troops while reducing overall numbers. Stay the return course. Turn tail and walk. A cut and stay strategy.

The president, meanwhile, details his P.T. Barnum “See the Egress” exit strategy.

Mr. Bush gave a big policy address at Annapolis saying, if he had it to do all over again, he wouldn’t show up for the Navy.

We’ll be out just as soon as the Iraqi forces are trained—right now they’re up to Police Academy One.

The Pentagon, making its own plans, is removing the struts from the copters. No clinging this time.

Don Rumsfeld has an epiphany and will now call the insurgents “Injuns.”

Cindy Sheehan down to balloon bending and juggling to attract attention.

Saddam to plead “Temporary megalomania.”

Army raising the upper age limit to attract older recruits from fast food service—and you get to keep the rank of crew chief.

Hillary calls for withdrawal by end of 2006; Bill says he may need a little more time.

CIA head asks, is it water torture when you pay a lot of money for the exact same thing at some fancy spa?

Congressman Duke Cunningham’s career goes down the 19th century Louis-Philippe Commode. Have a nice bidet!

Vatican says gays who give it a rest for 3 years can be priests, while continuing to hold the “deep-seated” at arm’s length.

Big oil marketing strategy a huge success as $2.00 a gallon gas seems cheap.

If a government falls in Canada and there’s nobody there to hear it, what’s with that, eh?

Deer harvest was good in Wisconsin, but they keep getting stuck in the combine. Can’t hardly blow them up to the silo.

And climate change in Wisconsin threatens to turn it into Illinois . . .

That’s All the News That Wasn’t in 2005 . . . Happy 2006!

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