Men's Plus 50 Sizes

Not that it's a little slow around here, but the only thing to come my way in the past 36 months (maybe more, who remembers?) is the cover of Plus 50 Lifestyle in Dane County -- The magazine for Dane County's active 50 plus population-formerly, Still Alive in Dane. I don't know if Iowa or Sauk counties have active plus 50's magazines, so I could be the poster boy for my demographic in the entire tri-county area. You might think this one of those honors you could live without; indeed, that was my first reaction. I wasn't trying to draw attention to the fact that I'm still breathing (albeit, shallowly) and still drawing that air here, but even age indexed publicity is better than no news at all. At this point it's kind of like sex, if it comes up you jump on it. You don't know it won't be picked up by a wire service or Modern Maturity or AARP direct mail, and it still beats the appropriately numbered page B4 (because the pictures are from 1960) Death Index in the State Journal (the upside of that alphabetical eventuality being that I'll finally come in ahead of Garrison should we die on the same press run.)

The cover's a little confusing-me, arms folded behind a mike with my patented wedge of a smile looking much like a very nearly recovered stroke victim with COWBOY (sub) MOUNTED SHOOTING enjoying the ample space adjacent my left forehead, zigging to "Demystifying rollovers" upper body right, and only then back to foreground forearms (left)

More than trivia:
Funny man
Michael Feldman's
a live wire

Live, alive, it's all good. You have to be female to get "spunky." Firecracker, too. At first glance it looks like the "COWBOY" is mine, and maybe a typo, but JEWBOY MOUNTED SHOOTING would be more than a little disturbing for the plus 50 population around here, I would hope.

I'm a little surprised the swash buckled bandana'd and unsheathed Jeff Leoni (" A real Renaissance (faire) man") didn't get the cover, or the equally deserving mounted cowboy shooter of cover note, the barely 50 Pam Bound who shoots balloons while barrel racing on her steed, Red, and looks darn good doing it. She's a firecracker. Still, mounted shooting is not "giggles, guffaws and roll-in-the-aisle" (in your Medline Strider 3 Scooter) "hilarity" is it?

What do we learn of this mossback? Although "often compared to Groucho" (by . . . .?) he is "stylistically closer to . . . master of asides . . . Dave Feldman," CPA and Odd Fellows toastmaster. Not a purveyor of trivia, but merely unimportant information much of which may turn out to be true. Failed to complete the family syllogism, "doctor is to lawyer, as doctor is to ________." Attended the UW during the "tumultuous years of the Vietnam War protests," which meant very little attending at all. Taught English as a second language to Kenoshans, worked in a greasy spoon as a radio announcer, and in a cab as a former radio announcer. Flopped big time on WGN, or 'Who Goes Next," in Chicago, around which time he married the former and current Sandy Wolens mistakenly thinking they could not possibly fire a newly-married on-air personality. Mined wife for material and discussed baby poops extensively for several years beginning in 1991. Currently has two teenage daughters who, he says anything about, he's dead meat. Not an intellectual, but knows intellectuals when he sees them. Pulls books randomly off the shelves of the library and has been asked not to come back. Has traveled as far left as Berkeley and as far up as Fairbanks. Has done Mississippi jokes in Alabama and vice-versa. Was honorary duck master at the Peabody in Memphis hot on the heels of Hillary. Took control of the airship "The Akron" over the Akron. Although having met many men he didn't like, was inexplicably called the Will Rogers of Wisconsin by the New Yorker, and, perhaps dismissively, the king of small talk radio by the Wall Street Journal. Was on Letterman. Once. Grounded several TV pilots, including one for Disney who tried, and failed to animate him. Is only comfortable on-air. Has no retirement skills, and thinks maybe he should get a hobby. Calls the great body of his work, "The Shmegacy."

Guy's a live wire.

~~~~ Michael Feldman

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