RepubliCARE talking points:

1. Malpractice will be repositioned as Malpatience, applying to all individuals habitually seeking unneeded medical attention. Office visits for unnecessary exams which reveal nothing of medical interest will be prosecuted as fraud.

2. For the purposes of this legislation, wellness is not a word, nor is probiotics, homeopathic, ju ju, naturopathic, hoodoo, Unani, Ayurveda, transcendental meditation, kundalini, with or without a Siddha Guru, and other non-Western terminologies.

3. Medical insurers will be regulated by the Rancho Santa Margarita CA Better Business Bureau at (714) 985-8922 during regular business hours. Emergency calls will be returned in the order received from Bangalore Health, 24-7.

4. Under RepubliCare small businesses will be empowered to band together to form multi-national conglomerates with interlocking directorates, the better to lobby against Big Government Mandates showered on employees lucky to be working at all in this Democrat economy. RepubliCare will cover 90% of the already insured.

5. Universal family practice will be available through School Nurse Care between 8AM and 3:20PM. Note that school nurses are only permitted to dispense water and Midol. Traditional family members will be able to band together for Friends and Traditional Family Coverage outside their states via Travelocity, which offers the North American Comprehensive Health Plan, Tijuana meds and Windsor office calls, along with guaranteed best rates at up to 3 star hotels and an unlimited mileage Ford Focus.

6. RepubliCare recommends Wal-Mart Pharmacies for all your prescription needs at everyday low prices, this week featuring name-brand Insulin rolled back to $19.97. Birth control, morning-after pills, ED medications and Ritalin available at the discretion of your Wal-Mart pharmacist.

7. By definition, all pre-existing conditions pre-exist this coverage, while post-existing conditions fall after; those with current conditions should just drop in to see what condition their condition is in.

8. Immigrants are not covered until three consecutive generations. Since no traits or genetic predispositions brought over from the old country are insurable, émigrés are advised to determine whether they are still covered under Honecker Care or other Socialized medical schemes in their countries of origin, whose citizenship should not be heedlessly discarded.

9. Individuals already sick do not qualify for benefits since this is, after all, Health Insurance. Those seeking Sick Insurance might try Aflac.

10. Special provisions: Young Republicans may stay on their parents coverage until age 50; under RepubliCare certain inheritable diseases such as gout and psoriasis are covered, as well as corneas which ripened during the Reagan Administration. Healing faiths or practices such as Christian Science, Scientology, atavistic endeavorism (Hunter S. Thompsonism), Vodoun, Voudou, or Voodoo, Sevi Lwa, Shamanism, Evangelical Lutheran, and Santeria may be covered in states which choose to opt in.

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