Let on not that you have heard the stories before, and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines.

Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life.

Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into the wedding band, return it with discretion.

Though it resembles syrup, pour not the Manischewitz on the sherbet.

Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit.

Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later.

Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life-forms, and learn from them.

Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth.

Though you take on much wine, sing not The Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady.

If belch thou must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the piece of pie which passeth all understanding.

Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn't be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.