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A Hunter's Guide
The opening of deer season in Wisconsin threatens to bring a record number of commodities brokers, corporate attorneys, and RV salesmen to Wisconsin's north woods to work out the frustrations of their respective professions, leaving behind a half million wives to work out theirs. While a man needs no special training to stalk game, since hunting skill is locked into the male genetic code, many who will be escaping to Wisconsin over the next nine days will be novices. For the aspiring Nimrod who, in anticipation of bagging his first whitetail, has already purchased a very large bag, here are some pointers:
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1. You will need a gun of some sort. If you grab the flintlock over the mantelpiece, make sure the hammer has not been soldered. With a doe bearing down on you full tilt, it's one hell of a time to discover you're carrying an ornament. If you don't have a gun, try looking through the back pages of Soldier of Fortune magazine for one that appeals to you. Many have found the AK-47 or the Uzi to be a good all-climate choice. Whatever you choose, remember the first rule of the hunt: Keep your weapon clean. More than one prize fawn has been lost when a dirty action has caused the hunter to miss his quarry and strike a neighbor's chimney. Break your gun down nightly, and soak it in a light-duty oil, such as safflower, and garnish to taste. During those long nights in the chilly cabin, clean your bore often.
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2. Bring along some scent. you're not alone in the woods, you know, and a week is a long time to try to get by on your good looks. Deer urine is the scent of choice of many old-timers, while Opium is favored by younger sportsmen.
3. Carry a call. A hunter should at all times carry a full complement of calls suitably arrayed bandido style on crossed ammo belts. A useful selection includes an adjustable goose, a pintail, a high-volume diving duck, Snort Deer, a gobble box, a split-reed raspy yelp and an elk call with detachable grunt tube. While most of these will never be used outside the Tomahawk Tap, it will at least let everyone at the bar know you're ready for anything, sheepshead included.
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4. Don't expect game to come right out in the open and greet you. Mammals are shy and surprisingly reluctant to run up to guys in orange vests smelling like deer urine. Furthermore, deer are masters of disguise. The figure you see in the Groucho nose and glasses may be a futures trader from Glencoe and it may not. If there's any doubt, aim for the attache case.
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5. Speaking of which, don't be embarrassed to carry a bag. Many of the new "possibles" bags look like ladies' purses, but since you will armed, it's highly unlikely anyone will say anything. To lessen the possibility of sartorial self-consciousness, however, pack a single strand of pearls.
6. Carry a decoy. If it looks enough like you, the warden may haul it off.
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7. Should you bag a deer, let it hang from the basketball hoop on the garage as a warning to the neighbors. You'll want to give away as many of the steaks as possible, since no matter how often you call it "venison," everybody knows it's still "deer meat." Make sure you find someone reputable to process it. If, after eating your sausage, you find yourself scratching behind your ear with your leg, the sausage maker may have substituted other cuts.
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8. Finally, after using your tracking skills to find your way home after a week, all hollow-eyed, irritable, and empty-handed, to a wife who looks curiously rested and who, at least for the first couple days, sings around the house in a pleasant voice you don't recall her having, ask no questions.
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