I had nearly completed my master's when I realized they'd never ask to see that, either, and ran out to graduate school with the leeches still attached. Now I see that empty frame on my wall could be filled with a master's for twelve-fifty (post-paid) or a doctorate for twenty-three hundred, thesis defended. I'm no saint, but at these prices I could be a Doctor of Divinity.

The federal government has taken an ambiguous position on diploma mills, having prosecuted some and invaded the Caribbean to preserve others. The Education Council does offer some tips for consumers who naively believe they can have the benefits of a college education without being hounded by alumni foundations for the rest of their days.

Beware if the application, for example, recommends closing the cover before striking, or asks you to draw a pirate. Should a diploma be offered as part of a package deal -- say with live sea monkeys -- it may be bogus. Any prospectus asking the make and model of your car may not supply the sheepskin you were hoping for.

The educational consumer should look in askance at offers of college credit without any academic requirements, unless you have been recruited into a bona fide athletic program. Vigilance is called for, too, when solicited by "look-alike" schools whose names, at first glance, appear to be those of respected institutions: Near Miss, Eva Braun University, Sonny Tuft's, The Electoral College, Cornell Wilde University, Gloria Vanderbilt, Quaker State, Boston Pops University, Votre Dame, and the very nearly prestigious William and Harry, to name just a few.

For consumers on the other end of the stick, that is, those seeking professional services from someone with dubious credentials, verification is not always easy, since it may not be possible to remove a degree from the frame and smear the signatures by the time your lawyer returns from pitching a weeping elder citizen out the door. You can, however, test your attorney's college background by taking him to lunch and daring him to drink a pitcher of beer without using his hands. Should you suspect your family practitioner has studied under Dr. Seuss, take a minute of the forty-five or so you'll have waiting in the freezing examination room to smell his credentials. If there's even a hint of mimeo fluid, hike 'em up, quick.