Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the October 31, 1998 show.

October 31, 1998

You know the Shuttle Discovery almost came back -- Glenn left his reading glasses on the launch pad.

Actually, he did the Viagra and had to wait six hours before lift off.

There's been some controversy about putting a 77-year-old man in orbit, but it's really the perfect job, what with the fluid retention device and all. Probably the best sleep he's had in years.

John Glenn is, of course, not your typical octogenarian -- how many of you can still get into your space suits from the sixties?

In fact, he's been so inspirational, Muhammad Ali is in training again. Then it'll be Joe Nameth, Bobby Riggs and a Reagan victory in New Hampshire.

It's a little too much like the 2001 space baby/old man routine, though. I guess this means there's a monolith on the moon with apes dancing around it.

You've got to give Glenn credit, rocketing into space when most men his age are thinking about shuttling off to Buffalo. They should have sent him off with six nice older astronaut ladies, though -- 6 American heroes and one lucky guy.

In other news, Republican attack ads hit home -- you've seen the one: Halloween, doorbell rings, woman answers it -- it's the real Bill and Monica saying "Trick or Treat!" Superimposed: "Why reward Bill Clinton?"

The Democrats lost no time getting down and dirty with the Henry Hyde "hotel detective" commercial, the Helen Chenowith "Afternoon Delight" and the Dan Burton "Father's Day" spots. Except for weariness, the overall impact is hard to gauge.

In aviation, pilots are warned not to take Viagra before flying; flight attendants file grievance. Remember, six hours from bottle to throttle.

Studies on whales taking Viagra discover they have difficulty discerning blue-green algae.

In the NBA, Bucks remain undefeated for November; could go all the way.

And President Clinton says he's changed on the inside, but the outside still has a mind of its own.

That's All the News That Isn't . . .

© 1998 Michael Feldman