Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

October 19, 1998

The first two weeks of the basketball season have been canceled. It's the best start the Bucks have gotten off to in years. If they cancel the whole season, we could go all the way. They should find out if any of those scab baseball players from a few years back want to shoot some buckets.

The Federal Reserve cuts the discount rate -- just my luck, I pay retail. I'm not opposed to artificial stimulus, I'd just like to receive it, that's all.

My portfolio is leaking heavily. My IRA actually turned out to be the Irish Republican Army. I've decided to invest in Sealy-Posturepedic; you know, between the mattress and the box spring.

Had to put that little second family I was thinking of starting on the back burner.

Congress provides the answer to the question, "What do you give a guy on the occasion of his impeachment?" 100,000 teachers, 18 billion for the Monetary Fund, six billion for farm aid, and contraceptives for federal employees, in case they're furloughed again. The Republicans agreed to cover birth control only in the case of Democratic couples.

Congress was forced to stay in session to tidy up a few things they didn't have a chance to get to, like governing. Well, they had a backlog of salacious material to catch up on.

Still, given the quality of the personnel, a do-nothing Congress is a step in the right direction.

They gave Clinton his 100,000 teachers, but denied him the right to audition them.

Legislation to ban pornography on the Internet was postponed until they release a little more of Starr's deep background.

For all the comparisons many are making to Watergate, at least in the current case we don't have to wait to find out who Deep Throat is.

And in sports, or at least boxing, the medical report on Mike Tyson says that he is at "low risk to bite again," although he still has a tendency to smash, gouge, pummel and beat to a pulp -- well, you've got to draw the line somewhere.

That's All the News That Isn't . . .

© 1998 Michael Feldman