Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the September 5, 1998 show.

September 5, 1998

I'm not saying the stock market "correction" has impacted my portfolio, but I peeked through my Keogh at my 401 (kaput) only to find my Roth had dropped its "h" and my mutual funds said the feeling no longer is.

This is actually worse than the crash of '29 because they no longer give you stock certificates to paper your walls with, and the windows don't open on Wall Street. Hard to jump from a pit.

If we're waiting for the Russians to get their house in order it might be a while. Been 1200 years so far.

Communists can't seem to get the hang of the stock market -- go figure.

The summit was a big help of course -- the one major reform the Russians came up with was to perforate the ruble and put it on a roll. On a roll at last!

In other news, the President finally came home after two foreign summits followed by flying around aimlessly in Air Force One while being refueled in the air.

First two fun-filled weeks at Martha's Vineyard where his grapes of wrath were trampled, then on to Russia to meet the only President doing worse than he is, then Ireland. In all, Mr. Clinton apologized in English, Russian and Gaelic. He's going to try Hindi, Urdu and Latin next until he finds a language somebody believes him in.

Who would have thought his legacy would be a sexual dysfunction named after him? Harding, eat your heart out. Who would have thought that was what he meant by a bridge to the 21st century?

I mean I like a good cigar once in a while, too, but I just bite the ends off and light 'em.

You'd hate to think he ran for the Presidency just to meet girls. Or that Starr ran the investigation just to find out what happens when you do.

The phone sex thing, though, I don't get. I mean I've had crank calls . . .but. Plus, were they using the hotline? You don't want to tie it up when Russia still has missiles. Still, you can always hit "star 69."

Getting criticized by Senator Leiberman -- leiber, that's "love" isn't it? Senator "Love-man?" Hardly in a position to comment.

But, as a father, how would he feel if Chelsea took up with Jacques Chirac, or Ben Netanyahu? Or Dan Burton?

Some of the stuff has been ridiculous though -- using his tie to send signals. Even if it was standing straight up, I'm sure it was just the wind.

Articles of impeachment are being prepared -- Clarence Thomas has already ordered an advanced copy.

There's some question as to how much detail to include and how much should be saved for the Showtime version.

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .