Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the July 11, 1998 show.

July 11, 1998

My daughters very much enjoyed Mulan; the only problem is, in the event of war, they want to fight on the Chinese side.

In the news -- In light of the success of his recent dialogues on race, President Clinton has announced a series of national sex roundtables, with Cokie Roberts, Christina Amanpour, Moesha, and selected Weather Channel meteorologists, especially the one with the big hair.

Participants will receive a "Just Don't Finish" button.

The man who claimed to have written evidence of a JFK-Marilyn Monroe affair has been indicted. Apparently Marilyn did not invoice JFK. Probably pro bono.

Arkansas executes a killer on the victim's birthday and lets it be known that Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Passover and Christmas are still available.

Charlton Heston says that if Moses had had guns "it wouldn't have been no forty years."

A study concludes that walking does not speed up childbirth, although walking away solves the whole problem in advance.

Amish kids are in drug trouble in Pennsylvania. Eventually, it's going to dawn on the kids that they live just outside of Intercourse, PA, too.

The State of Wisconsin refuses to pay for Viagra through Medicaid, saying "we just don't need it." They've left open the option of putting it in the milk, though -- with vitamins A, D and V, it'll give you a milk moustache and beard. Milk -- does a body good.

President Clinton has said he will sign a bill to reform the IRS into something a little friendlier: I-'R-Us. Look for Geoffrey the Giraffe on the 1040.

Under the plan, taxes will go to a cable pricing plan -- you pay for what you get: Basic covers just the response to an overt invasion and mail delivery; with Basic Plus you also get Social Security, OSHA, and Interstate Highways, and with Premium you get Food and Drugs, Housing, Dairy Price Supports, Foreign Policy, and the occasional military intervention.

Linda Tripp returns for her fourth day before the Grand Jury in Washington, where the tapes she secretly recorded the first three days are played.

The Russians will receive five billion in International Monetary Aid plus three billion more if they have Dow implants.

Dr. Doolittle has been named the new editor of the New Yorker -- brought in to talk to the cartoon animals.

Barbara Streisand marries James Brolin, answering the question "What's James Brolin doing these days?"

And the summer films in brief: Arm-a-geddon pretty tired of `em----

And that's All the News That Isn't . . .