Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the July 4, 1998 show.

July 4, 1998
Washington, DC

Our All the News that Isn't headline: Linda Tripp Makeover Falls Short. This time she's underwired.

There's some question now whether or not the tapes Linda Tripp made were legal or not. In Maryland you have to know secretly taping someone is illegal before secretly taping someone.

So, if you want to kill someone and you don't know it's illegal, head for Maryland! The "But Officer I Didn't Know" State.

Still, if she didn't know it was illegal, wouldn't she have worn the microphone on the outside of her bustier?

President Clinton has returned from a triumphal visit to China. He felt at home there because China is a one-party state, not unlike Arkansas.

The President embraced nearly all the People in the People's Republic. So much so that Ken Starr is faced with serving a billion subpoenas through the Beijing McDonalds. You know, with the Happy Family Meal.

What the trip lacked was a dramatic sound bite; Mr. Clinton standing on the Great Wall saying, "Mr. Jiang, tear down this wall!" Or saying to the masses "I am an egg roll!" in Mandarin.

Pretty good joke, though, about President Jiang meeting the Dalai Lama. Mr. Jiang showed a lot of restraint by not saying Clinton should meet Suzie Wong: "I think you'd like her."

In other news, a friend of Monica Lewinsky's confirms that whatever happened between her and the President was foreplay. Never inhaled, never finished -- do you see a pattern here? When the Clinton Library is built it will be left not quite completed.