Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the April 11, 1998 show.

April 11, 1998

The Michael Feldman Story -- Milwaukee to Madison in only three decades. People say I've come a long way, but 72 miles in 30 years is 2.4 miles per year or .0003 miles per hour. Talk about life in the fast lane.

And, in a few more years, Waukesha will grow to meet Madison's east side. And I'll be back in Milwaukee where I started from.

And Brookfield looks like San Jose. There's 12 lanes of traffic. But, of course everyone still drives like a Milwaukeean: "with ear flaps," as my dad used to say.

The city of Milwaukee is still losing population, but being Milwaukeeans they don't get that far. Mukwanago, Pewaukee, maybe, or Main Street in Menomonie Falls.

That's what Passover is all about--the exodus of the Jews from Milwaukee to Fox Point. If you've sinned you go to Bayside. Every ethnic group has its own heaven and suburb.

Milwaukee of course is, more than anything, a collection of ethnic groups with one thing in common -- fatty foods. Polish, German, Italian, Hebrew National; in Milwaukee you don't judge a man by his salami.

We lived on 58th and Center, right next to the alley where there used to be a Chicken Delight. The place where the freeway didn't come through for about 40 years. It was like waiting for the Messiah. After my dad died and mom had to sell the house, all she got for it was $27.00 in beads because the freeway was supposed to come through. And it still hasn't.

I'm glad I've lived long enough to see them tearing down freeways to build homes. They call that urban restoration, I call it revenge.

I have to say being from Milwaukee has been an advantage to my career. Being from Milwaukee as opposed to being in it. It's great for comedy because it sounds like a punchline.

You can be bred in Boston, grow up on Long Island or Brentwood, or the Gold Cost in Chicago. But you'll never be from Milwaukee, and it's held against you. Being from Milwaukee grounds you. It lodges you like that third bratwurst.

No Milwaukeean has ever put on airs, except for Liberace, and I'll say no more about that.

My brother Howard even believes there is a "Milwaukee School," as if Milwaukee, like Atlantis as it was sinking, sent out emissaries with the Milwaukee Idea to the rest of the world. He can point to the Zucker brothers, Nat Hiken, who wrote Sgt. Bilko, and "Happy Days," which was actually filmed in LA. And of course, Howard himself. But it's a weak argument.

Being from Milwaukee does give you a leg up. And what you do once your leg is up is your business. That's the Milwaukee Idea.

In Milwaukee news: a new exhibit planned for the State Fair in West Allis: a prison block. For those of you tired of wandering through the cow barns, real-live prisoners being groomed by kids in 4-H. Of course 4-H now stands now stands for Habitual Offenders, Homicide, Harassment, and Home Invasion.

In other news, the Chief of Police expands "quality of life" tickets to include stepping on cracks and failure to turn back in a crosswalk when the light flashes. Which means you'll never cross Wisconsin Avenue again because it's just too big.

Speaking of prisoners, inmates will staff the phone lines for Amtrak commuters going between Milwaukee and Watertown. Press 1 for an embezzler, press 2 for a second-story man, and press 3 to talk with your former alderman.

And did I miss something? Is there a reason for an Amtrak service to Watertown? Is it the Gobbler?

In other news, City Planning Director Peter Park plans a Peter Park. Don't know if I want my kids playing in one.

A survey commissioned by the City of Milwaukee finds "People like nice things." Highest marks go to the Mitchell Building on Water Street downtown, lowest to a concrete planter stuffed with trash on Wisconsin Avenue, which, on closer examination, turned out to be surveys.

Milwaukee meter maids will be using hand-held computers. You can forget about arguing now, you know they're not going to tear up a computer. Although, looking at them, some of them could.

Kohl's Food Stores institute a new "express if you pack a knife" lane.

And the Milwaukee Brewers discover they've been National Leaguers trapped in American League bodies.

That's all the Milwaukee news that isn't . .