Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the December 16, 2000 show.

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December 16, 2000

President-elect Bush says the United States "has one president," so at least he's grasping the fundamentals.

One nation "indvidisible."

Now if he could just get what the branches of government are supposed to do. Laura's always taken care of the checks and balances.

Al Gore was last seen in the far-east with Peru's former President. Taking this kind of hard.

Gives a nice concession speech, though. "Put aside partisan rancor," but don't forget where you put it.

Lieberman kept his day job, didn't embarrass us in front of the goyim, so that was good.

Now just Al and George have to find something to do. The good news is that Cheney can run the show from intensive care if he has to. In case he keeps having those Fred Sanford moments.

So there you are, here he is: George II. The first time the presidency has been an entry-level job. If he does well here, he could work his way up to branch bank manager.

What's the opposite of a mandate? Womandate? Boydate? Whatever it is, that 's all he's got.

He be a uniter, though. Not an un-uniter. Well, it is the Uniter States of America. He's been reaching across the aisle, and the bride's getting pretty tired of it.

Going to be using some democratic approaches, like "don't ask, don't tell" health care.

Due to the small size of his mandate, Bush may not be able to get all his agenda through, so they're just going to strike amendments 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 out of the Bill of Rights.

Instead of an across-the-board tax cut, just give it to the top five percent and watch it trickle down to the rest. Mound system economics.

They are tapping the social security trust for transition funds-well, they' re way behind. They promised to put it back.

Plus he 's got expenses at that white elephant ranch in Waco. Ten acre farmette is what they called it, but it needs everything. Got a good deal on it after the fire. Cheney's heart monitors keep shorting the wiring out. It's official now, Colin Powell will be Secretary of State and the Supreme Court justices will fill out the remaining cabinet posts.

Katherine Harris has been offered an internship.

In other news, the AOL and Time-Warner merger approval opens the seventh seal of the broadband apocalypse.

Chernobyl is shut down despite a last ditch effort by CBS to use it for the next survivor series.

California, running out of electrical power, decides to rub Oregon and Washington together for electricity.

And the FBI looking in a dump in New Mexico finds ten Yanni tapes which, when played backwards reveal nuclear secrets. .

That's all the news that isn't. . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman