Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the October 14, 2000 show.

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October 14, 2000

With just a few weeks until the election, the campaign moves into the swing states of boredom and depression.

The enthusiasm for the candidates is such that when it's over, we won't know which one to bury.

Don't know whether to give them electoral votes or electrical volts. Same thing to Bush.

George II seems to be pulling into the lead as voters come to realize there are no minimum requirements for president. Well, just 35 and born here. And a hundred million in soft money.

Comes downs to which pharmacy delivers -- Gore Drugs or Bush Drugs.

Whether or not Texas schoolchildren are in 49th or 50th place -- the "Thank God for Mississippi" position.

Bush has made it clear -- repeatedly -- he's opposed to nation-building, even in America. Gore says "Rouge my lips: no new Texas!"

Now Joe Lieberman is messin' with Texas. "Yo Semite Sam." Smile when you say that pardner.

'The Failed Leadership Tour.' That's catchy . Want one of those T-shirts. That and one from the "Sexual Dysfunction Tour."

Hopefully he won't be wrestling any heifers to the ground, at least during Shabbes. Lieberman is under constant hat watch in Texas, in case anyone tries to hand him a ten gallon or larger, which, for him, would be a full body condom.

Well, two debates down and one to go. They were standing in the first one, sitting in the second, and by the third they'll be lying in bed together with Dick Cheney's tacit approval.

The difference? Gore will say anything to get elected and Bush will attempt to say anything to get elected.

George II is the Bush/Quayle ticket all rolled into one while Al's exaggerations make you long for Clinton's credibility. Depends on what you mean by "standing in a classroom."

As for first ladies, Tipper will do a lot for depression if she gets the nod, while Laura Bush is still under Stepford warranty.

That's all the news that isn't.

© 2000 Michael Feldman