Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the September 16, 2000 show.

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September 16, 2000

Subliminal message in Republican attack ad discovered when significant numbers of the viewing audience experience twitching nose, urge to chew through boxes in cupboard and to defecate on counter tops in the middle of the night. Bureaucrats remain unaffected.

Subliminal. Subliminal. Subliminal. Thing is, any message Bush would have would be subliminal. He's got no liminal. Sublingual, too.

They say part of his problem is he's lysdexic. Hey, I've got a touch of that, too. But I'm not running for pederenst. President. Well, who reads Fanity Vair anyway? It would explain why, instead of saying "read my lips!" George II says, "dear, my pills!"

Now it turns out George II was on the board of a company that produced the "R" rated slasher film, "The Hitcher," described as "a massacre every 15 minutes filled with gore," -pretty much the same review the debates will get. "The candidates met tonight for a round of gizzard-slitting depravity; during the give-and-take a young woman was pulled in half." Beats Kennedy-Nixon.

The Gore camp received a package containing Bush's debate preparation homework; they corrected it and sent it back. Got a 62 in geography, 69 in English, 79 in civics, and an 83 in Spanish, so he passed, but barely. Of course he says "Ahol!" instead of "Hola!" Major league.

The Bush tax cut proposals are losing support among the party faithful as too obviously favoring themselves. If George II wins the presidency he has to pay an inheritance tax.

In other news, Hillary was taken aback when, during a debate with senate opponent Rick Lazio, he walked over to her podium with a box of Altoids and shook them in her face. She claimed she thought they were just breath mints.

Ford and Firestone are blaming one another: Firestone claims the Explorers were already rolling over when the tires shredded. The ones that remained in the air are still perfectly good -- just rotate them!

Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee released as a suspect for giving nuclear secrets to the Chinese. Fortunately, the Justice Department still has one billion suspects.

Ho was accused to stealing the nuclear crown jewels when Janet Reno got him by the nuclear family jewels.

Clinton finally going to Vietnam.

Due to time differences, Sydney Olympics already over -- Richard the fat guy wins.

First Turkey, now the Isle of Lesbos turns back Lesbian tourists. Perhaps if they called it the Isle of Man.

And, the Netherlands approves gay marriage, finally making it possible to have two Dutch uncles...

That's all the news that isn't...

© 2000 Michael Feldman