Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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August 12, 2000

Michael Feldman's All The News That Isn't

Lieberman Picks Episcopalian Running Mate . . .

This is the first mixed marriage he's approved of. Maybe Al will convert. Leslie Gore's Jewish -- you know, "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To." Al could sing that.

Joe Lieberman -- just a heartburn away from the Presidency.

Well, you know, Jews make the best husbands and the best vice- presidents. Both figureheads. That's why they say the office of husband is not worth a pitcher of warm spit.

Gore was down 17 points in one poll, and pulled even after selecting Lieberman. What we like to call the "Jew bounce." Next it'll turn out that Cheney is really Chenewitz.

If you need a Jew to balance your ticket, I'm available.

All this time we thought Gore was hanging around Buddhist temples.

Lieberman doesn't work on Saturdays, Gore doesn't work on Sundays -- there goes the weekend. Soon we'll be back to the Reagan schedule -- two or three days a week and then only 'til noon.

Hillary immediately called Lieberman a name, but got over it real quick. She has Tourette's Syndrome -- well, Tourstein's Syndrome.

Joe Lieberman -- A Connecticut Yankee in King David's Court.

Brilliant selection -- Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, the Dakotas -- immediately in the Jewish column. Of course, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia -- always line up Jewish. In Florida, he's a natural with the white -- belt crowd, particularly if he can dance the Merengue to cover the Cuban half.

Jews are already 99% Democratic-this could ice the other 1%.

Imagine, the Pentagon buying wholesale.

He is a bit conservative -- has one of those W.W.M.D. bracelets; you know, "what would Moses do?"

Senator Lieberman has been very down on Hollywood and its excesses. The last movie he saw was "The Red Shoes," he thought the red was too flashy.

It was Lieberman, you may remember, who, after seeing a clip from "Basic Instinct," sent Sharon Stone a pair of panties.

He and Tipper can form the long awaited Anti-Sex League.

In other news, Firestone recalls their Shred-Master tires. You're in your SUV, suddenly your butt is four feet off the ground instead of six. Check the tires.

NASA will send two rovers to Mars to sniff each other's butts.

In Long Beach, the Reform Party meets with the anarchists on the inside.

And a study shows that sports fans suffer fewer bouts of depression -- obviously they didn't include Brewers’ fans in the study. And, I'll tell you, strip to the waist in December in Green Bay, paint your body half green and half gold -- you may lack the introspection necessary for a good depression.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman