Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the August 5, 2000 show.

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August 5, 2000

In Philadelphia, George W. is voted Mr. Congeniality.

I'm not saying George II is a lightweight, but after the nomination he was treated for injuries from falling red white and blue balloons.

After singing, "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things," Mr., Bush launched into a speech rich in product placement: "Seize the moment of new vision" (Lens-Crafters); "A good time for a great beer" (Bush); "Confront the hard issues" (Viagra, cut to Bob Dole).

He then kept coming back to the memorable phrase, "We will," as in "they didn't, we will," which many in the Texas delegation heard as "wee- vil" and ran home to check the cotton.

George II accused Clinton/Gore of "coasting through prosperity," when they should have been, what, slogging through prosperity? Trampling through prosperity? "Slouching towards Gomorrah on the way to prosperity?"

To his credit he cut the cigar joke: "I enjoy a good cigar once in a while, too, but I generally light mine . . ."

He did criticize Al Gore for saying he invented the Internet, at which point Poppy Bush leaned over to Mommy and said, "The Inter-what?"

Then they all hopped on the Toonerville trolley for a trip across Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

The high point of the speeches was an admitted homosexual being prayed down by a sea of blue-haired ladies in straw hats. Visually striking.

But the emphasis was on diversity for the Republicans -- there were white people of every hue, from the very pale to the swarthy; many in the cheaper seats earning less than 100K.

The only real drama occurred outside the convention, when President Clinton, playing a lot of golf these days, called George II a "son of a Bush," which, though technically right, had implications. George I took it personally and threatened to do to him what he did to Sadaam Hussein: nothing.

Meanwhile, Al Gore, reportedly the Democratic candidate, goes with Senator Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew, as his running mate. Lieberman, you may remember, was outraged that Monica was going out with a gentile, let alone the President. It was a shock for him that Jewish girls even knew about such things -- Mrs. Lieberman certainly never gave any indication.

The anarchists -- who had rough going trying to disrupt the convention - - are going to take a page form the Republican playbook and organize their own Regents club, the Rejects Club, where 150 anarchists will donate $250,000 each.

In other news, Ford has announced it will make its new SUV's more pedestrian-friendly by putting cow catchers on the front.

Three Kansas anti-evolutionists lose for the Board of Education in the biggest die-off of a species since the Cambrian (or the Flood, if you prefer).

And biologists discover that men have a biological clock, the difference being that a man's biological clock has a snooze alarm on it.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman