Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the July 22, 2000 show.

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July 22, 2000

George W. Bush has made his choice for Vice-President-Dan W. Quayle!

Al Gore better pick someone who isn't working anyway. Somebody who worked a census gig and is looking for something else short-term.

Gore's problem is he can't get a rhythm going without it being an Al-Gore-Rhythm. And nobody gets algorithms.

A recount has been ordered for the census in Chicago -- turns out they counted dead people merely because they were registered to vote.

Hillary denies calling a Baptist a "Jew b_____." Or , if she did, it was only because "you dirty Baptist" has so little impact. To refute the charges of anti-Semitism Hillary has been trotting out some of her best friends.

The President said the charge was "crap," when, really, he should have said "dreck." Or "shmutz." "Chozzerai?"

Governor Christy Whitman of New Jersey frisks a white male, a Hispanic female and a little boy on his way to temple to refute charges of discrimination.

A resolution at the Mideast peace talks: Camp David will be divided into an Arab and an Israeli sector. They ought to impose a Wisconsin solution -- divide Jerusalem into Neenah and Menasha and put all the bars in one and the churches in the other.

In a landmark tobacco verdict, the court awards 40 billion packs of cigarettes to smokers who still don't realize smoking is bad for them. The next big "whoever made 'em is responsible" suit should go after penis manufacturers.

Plant activists trample a cornfield in New York; all those ears and nobody hears anything. May have just been aliens who flunked Crop Circles 101. Have to content themselves with anal probes.

The Russian space station module is finally in orbit, the bottle shaped Vodski. In a few weeks a crew of cosmonauts will be sent up to drain it.

Scientists discover the building blocks of matter at Menards. They were there in the sub-atomic section all the time, somebody had just piled rolls of insulation on them.

And neurologists identify the "g spot" in the brain where genius or IQ happens -- or not: the lateral prefrontal cortex or the "brain's brain." No word on whether the brains' brain on a man's man differs from the brain's brain on a woman's woman...

That's all the news that isn't...

© 2000 Michael Feldman