Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the June 10, 2000 show.

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June 10, 2000

Looks like Microsoft will be broken into Bill Gates and a 6-foot Puka named Harvey.

Microsoft has counter-sued asking the government to show cause why it should not be broken up.

Gates is reportedly down to his last trillion. You know things are bad when he runs an ad looking for 38 non-smoking roommates.

Microsoft is trying to hold off on this thing until Bush gets in. When the NRA gets an office in the White House they're going to need Office Suite 2000.

There have been some questions as to the judge's competence in this case--he proposed dividing Microsoft into ladies ready-to-wear and accessories.

Another option is putting 16 Microsoft billionaires on an island off Seattle to see who survives, but, apparently, that's already been done. You know they'd vote that Bullmer guy out right off the bat.

Speaking of survivors, CBS, appealing to its traditionally older audience, will offer "Senior Survivors" this fall, stranding a group of older Americans on an island off San Diego where they will attempt to produce denture adhesive from coconut meat , weave palm fronds for incontinence, and see which of the fifteen ladies successfully vies for the one gentleman.

Then there's "Surviving Al Gore," in which the vice-president, washed- up alone on an island is voted off. And "George of the Island" where a stranded George II--not knowing a thing about survival--brings in the surviving Reagan "B" team to run things.

"Former Heads Survival" in which Bill Clinton, Helmut Kohl and Boris Yeltsin are exiled to an atoll in the South Pacific where the one who eats the other two wins, significantly reducing the number of former heads of state.

In other news, the AT&T rate cut turns out to be an increase, the reasoning being that the cost of a rate reduction has to come from somewhere. According to an AT&T spokesman, "War is Peace, Pain is Pleasure, and Night Rates are Day Rates."

All major airlines will merge into one delayed or canceled flight serving only a banana and muffin and connecting in Minneapolis no matter which way you're headed.

Reports suggest that the anti-missile missile can't tell an apple from a head, but even William Tell had had a lot of stories he didn't like to tell.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman