Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the May 20, 2000 show.

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May 20, 2000

Jesus beats Regis in the ratings -- how did He do it? A better lifeline. Of course, Regis works more than Jesus -- even God takes one day off.

The success of the Jesus miniseries was not lost on ABC, who now has a new offering in the works: Who Wants To Be a Savior?

I only saw the part of Jesus where what appears to be either the devil or a network executive shows Jesus what horrible things will go on in His name in the future and it just turns out to be the ABC schedule.

But, once again, the actor playing Jesus is a complete Mr. Pretty-Boy- Aryan when will they cast an actual Jew? You'd think that Joseph and Mary were Presbyterians. Even if He looked like his Father, he looked Jewish. Next time, maybe Ron Silver, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Albert Brooks, F. Murray Abraham -- he's an Arab, but he sounds Jewish.

In other news, the Forest Service announces its controlled burn of 80 square miles and 400 homes has been successfully completed.

Al Gore is falling behind George II in the polls and the invective is getting turned up. This thing could spill out of the frat house and into the street.

The Battle of the Branch Managers. We should re-list this job as country manager instead of president. Open it up to temps.

In England, Prime Minister Tony Blair will take parental leave and a nanny will run what's left of the British Empire. Now Bill Clinton wants a baby. Something to do around the house. Actually, the Clintons had another child -- Hillary ate it.

New Hampshire votes to end the death penalty and amend their motto to "Live Free or Live."

Time Warner and Disney end their dispute when both are swallowed and excreted by AOL.

1 in 5 young men are not registered for the draft -- that would be the one with the Orphan Annie hair in 'N Sync.

In Kentucky, a huge fish kill results in a distillery fire when "Wild Turkey" escapes into the Kentucky river before the posse could arrive to lap it up. You could have either 8 miles of dead fish or 50 guys sleeping it off on the bus on the way home.

The U.S. reveals it was prepared to explode an atomic bomb on the moon in 1959 to impress the Russians with just how stupid we could be if we wanted to. Fortunately, we found other ways to convince them.

And this week's I don't have to see it to know I don't like it movie: John Travolta's Battlefield Earth proves Scientology:science :: this thing:a movie.

That's all the news that isn't.

© 2000 Michael Feldman