Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't

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Listen in to the monologue from the March 25, 2000 show.

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March 25, 2000

The Oscars are retrieved from the trash just in time for the awards ceremony--frankly, I don't know if I'd want an Oscar that's been in a Hollywood dumpster, where it might've made contact with a former studio head, child star, or agent.

Fly biologists are abuzz as word comes that nearly the entire genome--the genetic code--of the fruit fly has been decoded. The fruit fly genome is so similar to the human all you have to do is change a half-dozen genes and you get Richard Simmons.

Both fruit flies and humans come in with the bananas. Or are humans there waiting for the bananas to come in? Can't they get up and get their own bananas? And why do they have to leave the peels on the couch? It attracts fruit flies.

The Pentagon is replacing hundreds of Patriot interceptor missile warheads having a defect that could cause them to explode on contact with another missile.

The Ramseys will be filling in for Regis and Kathie Lee during sweeps.

The House finally finds a Republican priest, appoints him chaplain. Deposed Protestant chaplain declares Holy Jihad.

In India, still--President Clinton basks in his foreign affairs prowess as scores of women strew flowers in his path--a slightly different reception than he gets in Chappaqua.

In the Middle East, the Pope falls short of a full endorsement of Israel, saying only that one of his best friends was Jewish.

Here at home, a House committee looks into e-mail-gate, where scores of pertinent e-mails needed for the impeachment proceedings were misdirected from whitehouse.gov to hotasianbabes.org.

The Supreme Court rules that tobacco is not a drug, therefore not deductible under Physicians Plus.

And in New York, Mayor Giuliani orders that people who look like they have bad records may be shot.

That's all the news that isn't . . . .

© 2000 Michael Feldman