Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out last year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the January 1, 2000 show.

Problem listening to Real Audio? Get Help!

January 1, 2000

Welcome to one of those Y2K scams you've read about. When I first heard about this impending crisis-global meltdown, economic chaos, widespread panic-I thought, my God, we could sell tickets!

Y2K-or as my wife likes to say, Y 2 Night? Or as my dad would have undoubtedly put it, Y2 K.I.T.--"kish in tuckus," for the uninitiated.

If we do go back to 1900, the first thing I'm going to do is get my dad's family out of the Ukraine. Mom's in Gary -- should be all right for a while.

Dad isn't due until 1904, so if we can get him born in Vancouver, he'll get the free health care.

If we go back to 1900, the former Prince will have to party like it's 1899 -- and, believe me, they did everything we do, only in woolens.

Only the other hand, we're just 12 months shy of 2001 and still no apes pounding bones around a monolith on the moon, let alone an embryonic Keir Dullea floating in space, and the way things are going at NASA, I wouldn't count on it soon.

I personally won't miss the 20th Century -- what can you say about a century whose high point was the invention of panty hose? The zipper was a good thing, and they've reduced the time it takes to make cream of wheat to almost nothing, but in other areas we've actually regressed.

For example, we used to have the telephone -- pick it up and talk. Now you put down $2000, sign up with a provider, log on, and type to somebody who has to type back. This is not progress. This is typing.

Plus, despite all the years my mother sprayed the handset and dial with Lysol, nobody ever got a virus from a telephone.

When they changed our exchange in Milwaukee from Custer 3 (6909) to Uptown 1(6909), the changeover did not threaten to topple financial markets, launch nuclear attacks, fling open prison doors, or set packs of wild dogs loose in the streets. And, if it would have, we had duck and cover.

We still have the nuclear war evacuation routes, so, if worse comes to worse with Y2K, you can always hop on highway 41 and drive to Appleton. Of course, once you're there you're in Appleton. It's not a panacea.

I've tried to be Y2K compliant -- been laying in larder -- or trying to. What is larder? Is lard involved? Can Jews have larder?

Anyway, I got a big roll of "Police Line -- Do Not Cross" tape, and a glow in the dark collar for the dog in case we go off the grid. The kids have bandoleers loaded with Fruit By The Foot, and my wife bought a lot of canned goods so our meal enjoyment would be uninterrupted. I bought the quart jars for saving bodily fluids, but I may have heard that tip wrong (some guy on "All Things Considered"). I sent for the free brochure "Fleeing Scenic Wisconsin." So I'm set.

What I advise doing is to sit down with the gin of the millennium and the tonic of the millennium , add the lime of the millennium, and listen to the official comedy quiz show of the millennium -- that's two millennia in a row -- "Whad'Ya Know!"

And in the news, Northwest Airlines said that Y2K would in no way disrupt their operations. They'll have you off the tarmac and back in the terminal in no more than six to eight hours. Jenny Craig announced that despite rumors regarding their arrangement with spokeswoman Monica Lewinsky, there is no semen-stained scarf.

Monica was not a the party at the White House thrown by the Clintons for a thousand close celebrities. President Clinton, after a Jeroboam of champagne-revealed his bridge to the 21st century to one of the servers in the pantry. Lucky we're close.

The fireworks display off the top of the Washington monument was scaled back as a little too much of an allusion the President's earlier troubles.

And, here in Madison, Wisconsin, amid concern that the county jail doors will fling open a midnight, a spokesman for the Governor's Millennium Ball at the nearby State Capitol advises that if someone dressed entirely in orange wants to cut in, let him. After all, it could be the governor's brother.

That's all the Y2K news that isn't . . . . Have a happy new millennium!

© 2000 Michael Feldman