Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the August 7, 1999 show.

August 7, 1999

Hillary says Bill's behavior can be explained by the childhood conflict between his mother and grandmother . . . and, his grandfather smoked a cigar.

He may have been weaned too early. That explains Monica and the cigar. And why he couldn't inhale.

He was what they call in Arkansas "a hard dog to keep on the porch." That's why our little guy's getting fixed. We're afraid otherwise he might consider a run for the White House.

It's hard not to sympathize with Hillary, though, when she says, "we did have a good stretch-years and years of nothing." The good news is that the intimacy has returned to their marriage: "sitting in bed with those little individual video players you can put on your lap." Looking at DVD's instead of BVD's pretty much defines middle-aged sex.

Speaking of which, the AARP says that 60% of middle-aged couples have something once a week. Without Zapruder filming it would be hard to say what.

Speaking of Zapruder, a panel has declared the government must pay $16 million to the Zapruder family for the film of the Kennedy assassination. Actually, it's just a million for the Dallas scenes, and 15 million for the beach footage of young Henry and Rita Zapruder, called "a riveting breakthrough in hand-held cinema verite."

You can't put a price on childhood memories, but 16 million is a start.

Speaking of children, the Pediatrician's Council recommends children under 2 should not watch TV unless they're working on an idea for a Fox sitcom, in which case, it's deductible.

They say that kids should not have TV's in their bedrooms, but simply sleep in front of it like Dad.

They also suggest keeping a media history of your child so that should they be rushed into a media lab in a state of media arrest when the cable fails they'll know whether to administer Power Rangers, Sabrina the teen-age Witch, Angry Beavers or Back Street Boys Live in Orlando.

Speaking of back street boys, George II says it was not cocaine, it was snuff. ("It wasn't no f------g cocaine.") He just happened to be dancing naked on the bar at the time. Obviously his behavior can only be explained by an abusive childhood -- Barbara Bush in "Mommy Dearest."

And, speaking of outrageous behavior, Jerry Springer may run for the Senate from Ohio against the same guy who took Monica's deposition and somehow made it boring. On production values alone, it's Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

That's all the news that isn't......

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman