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Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't
Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.
Listen in to the 
monologue from the Saturday May 3, 2008 show.
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Economy worsens; President Bush asks for rebates back. Just until Tuesday..6% growth. I should grow at .6%.
Why is it a Bush can't leave a ship of state without scuttling it?
President Bust.
The president wants 70 billion for the wars, small bills, non-sequential.
The 700 million for world food aid you can just leave on the nightstand.
President George W. Bush is now officially less popular than his father, although Laura is neck-and-pearls with Barbara.
The most unpopular president in history including Tippecanoe and Tyler, too.
The president blames the Democrats for the economy. See why no one likes you?
On the fifth anniversary of the photo op to end all photo op's, the White House admits the Mission Accomplished banner may have been premature. Still won't concede that Mr. Bush didn't fly the plane or that the carrier was off New Jersey.
That's just the kind of thing people don't like about you.
The president's aides have begged him not to sing his jocular "Ahab the A-rab" when he meets King Abdullah in Saudi Arabia. Ending with the inevitable
Abdullah is Abdullah
And abdime is abdime
Sing another chorus
But I 'aven't got the time . . .
Course "If I was a Rich Man," with choreography, is even less well-received in Israel.
This is not burnishing the legacy.
In other news, Congress puts the other white meat back in farm bill.
McCain calls Obama "insensitive to poor;" Obama calls McCain "insensitive to light." McCain calls Obama "insatiable to curiosity," and Obama calls McCain "insurmountable to objects." This is not over.
Hillary wants a Lincoln-Douglas debate; already has the fake beard.
How about a Burr-Hamilton debate? Hand her a pistol and call her Aaron.
The Bush administration says polar bears will be endangered on a bear to bear basis.
They look all cuddly and cute but they'd just as soon tear you apart as look at you. Look at Knut, that psychopath.
Next: the phony baloney Panda.
Obama to join reform temple in Evanston. As good as Christian, anyway—got an organ, for God's sake.
In Berlin, plans to update the Wagnerian Bayreuth Festival into the Burning Jew Festival.
Vietnam suspends baby exports to the US.
McCain health care plan extends Senate coverage to the House. Not the gym, though—naked silver-hairs taking a steam is how things get done.
Man who's been on acid for 60 years finally crashes. Valium would've helped that dash.
Paula Abdul says she voted yes before she voted no.
Waiting for a mention of David Blaine—don't hold your breath.
More mothers breast feed, fewer fathers do.
Raul takes Fidel's wife out for May Day.
Homeland Security asks bass boaters to be on the lookout for really big Johnson's on the lake.
Miley Cyrus finishes memoirs—started on Thursday, but she was busy. Told my daughters, Annie Leibovitz wants to take your class pictures, turn on your heels and run.
Packers draft Bret Favre from Southern Miss.
Iran buys set of lacquered nesting nuclear devices from Russia.
Mia Farrow offers to exchange herself for the Sudan; Woody accepts.
And, the good news is that it's Kerkorian, not Kevorkian, that's buying into Ford . . . .
That's All The News That Isn't.....
© 2001 Michael Feldman
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