What Do I Know? Ellie, the Independent Counsel

I don't know how "My Weekly Reader" is handling it, but my six year old has been wondering why "that girl who shows all her teeth when she smiles" is always on television. The four-year old is not yet into complex questions like "what is an intern?" but Ellie is a junior independent counsel:

Would you like to hear this touching account of father-daughter relations in this, the era of "Willygate"?

Ellie: "Why is that girl always on TV?"

Me: "Politics."

Ellie: "What's politics?"

Me: "It's what happens when people hold office."

Ellie: "What's holding office?"

Me: "You know president, dog-catcher, things like that. I was once the treasurer of the American Junior Red Cross, I told you. People vote for you."

Ellie: "Did people vote for her?"

Me: "The girl? -- the young woman; remember to call all the girls in first grade 'young women' -- no, she worked for the President."

Ellie: "What did she do for him?"

Me: "Well that's what all the commotion is about. She was an intern."

Ellie: "Like a doctor?"

Me: "No, that just means they didn't pay her."

Ellie: "Do they pay the President?"

Me: "Sure. He has overhead."

Ellie: "Then why don't they pay her?"

Me: "Because she was just learning."

Ellie: "Was the President teaching her?"

Me: "I don't think so. She grew up in Beverly Hills."

Ellie: "Like Tori Spelling."

Me: "Very much so. Strictly 90210. Some people think maybe they were seeing each other."

Ellie: "Oh, yeah, like 'I see you!' Duh."

Me: "Well, how do you say it in first grade? Remember that boy you were telling me about who was chasing all the girls around the playground and you and Allie made a potion to stop him? Like that."

Ellie: "Abbie. It had everything in it -- yogurt, glue, pepper -- but her mother wouldn't let us take it to school."

Me: "Like that."

Ellie: "The President was chasing that girl around a playground?"

Me: "Ellie, you're going to be seven in two weeks-can you say "metaphor?"

Ellie: "Metaphor. Was he really chasing her around a playground?"

Me: "We'll have to wait for the tapes."

Ellie: "What tapes?"

Me: "Whatever happened, she told a friend all about it and the friend taped it without her knowing."

Ellie: "She taped her? You mean with a tape recorder? Why did she do that?"

Me: "You've heard, of course, of the right wing conspiracy? I don't know why. She had a book deal. Some people will do anything for a book deal except write.

Ellie: "So, let me see if I'm saying this right, this guy -- "

Me: "'Woman.' Always say 'woman.'"

Ellie: "Whatever, this person taped this girl who was talking about the President and then she played the tapes for somebody?"

Me: "Newsweek."

Ellie: "What did she say?"

Me: "Well, she said they were boyfriend and girlfriend."

Ellie: "Were they?"

Me: "Was I there? Have you not seen me around the house for an extended period of time?"

Ellie: "You were gone last weekend."

Me: "Yes, but I can explain that."

Ellie: "What else did she say? Did he kiss her?"

Me: "No, he gave her a noogie. I don't know. I don't want to know. It's like with your parents, who wants to know? Not your parents, I mean mine. Although yours, too." Ellie: "Did he sex her?"

Me: "Ellie! Where did you get that?"

Ellie: "Did he? I bet he did, I bet he sexed her."

Me: "Honey, they sex gerbils."

Ellie: "I know. Evander has them."

Me: "Evander. Maybe you should be asking him these questions."

Ellie: "Right. Do you think he did it?"

Me: "Possibly."

Ellie: "Would you have? I mean with what's her name?"

Me: "Monica."

Ellie: "Monica. Would you have?"

Me: "No, honey. She's Jewish. 'It is forbidden.'" (Beauty and the Beast reference.)

Ellie: "Come on, would you? I bet you would, wouldn't you?"

Me: "You haven't built a pit and a pendulum in your room, have you? What is it with all these questions? Do I look like I'm running the country? Did you vote for me?"

Ellie: "I vote for the Packers."

Me: "That's 'root.' And, by the way, you get an 'award' not a 'reward.'"

Ellie: "So you would."

Me: "Ellie, honey, whenever I think about things I shouldn't think about, I take your picture out of my wallet, look at it, and say to myself 'this is what it can lead to.'"

Ellie: "Really?"

Me: "Really."

Ellie: "Thanks, Dad. I love you."

Me: "Thank you. I love you."