What Do I Know?

Since there really is no such thing as cyber-space-welcome to mine! And welcome to Whad'Ya Know, for 13 years now the manifestation of my particular personality disorder (we all have them; the trick is to make them pay). What comfort it must give me to know that whatever this is is now spreading, virus like, through the Internet, that collection of not-so-smart telephones (the one's you have to type into) to have an immediate impact on a world reduced to anything for stimulation!

Oh, the Places We'll Go! Wait 'til Pierre Salinger starts waving this around! The internet is democratic, all right, although you do generally have to know English and typing, whereas on the Great Equalizer, radio, you don't have to know anything. The requirement for a license used to be to sign your name in English, but they dropped that. Too many promising careers were ruined.

It only recently occurred to us (after several hundred inquiries) that we were the last people on earth not having a web site. They tracked us down and forced us to have one; this is the result. I still don't believe in them. Might as well write on walls-at least you get some exercise. Nothing has been so oversold as the computer unless it's , well, marriage, and the value of hard work, and certainly the automobile (why don't those ads say "woman not included?").

Plastic wrap I'm tired of hearing about, and if the soap spots didn't have women showering half the time I'd be opposed to them, too. As it is, I'm zestfully clean. The most popular sites on the internet are pornography, so you'll want to be getting on your way. I'll try not to keep you, but, remember, "Totally Naked Celebrities may well be neither/nor. Although I like to boast I have never yet paid for a "Totally Naked Celebrity," I will tell you they give you a free glimpse of a few lesser celebrities making some bad career moves.

Remember, it all turns up on your history (which, by the way, they can call up behind the berm at Microsoft when they're in the mood for a few chuckles, as if Netscape earnings weren't enough. I think they must run the porno sites, too ("where would you like to go today?") although I can't prove it-but hell, it's the Internet-you don't have to!

Cyber space. OOOh. More like cipher-space. Interactive: for those who always liked TV so much they wanted to make it with the set. Even Groucho took his cigar out of his mouth once in a while. One thing America didn't need is more virtual reality, but you can't fight progress. The most exciting part still lies ahead when the cable, fiber optic, internet, gas and electric are all in one tiny tube running up your pants leg. (Personally, I hope they make them wireless.) On-line shopping? Personally, I'd as just as soon slip my credit card directly into the trash and hope whoever finds it enjoys their purchases.

I'm opposed to any kind of communication that involves typing. Did Romeo e-mail Juliet? Is that him under the veranda with his laptop? God, I hope it's his laptop. Did he say, "But software! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the monitor, and Juliet is the Sun Microsystems?" Where they, in reality, a pair of slacker clerk-typists for the State? Computers. Only as smart as the guys who tell them what to think, and we've all met them at parties. And what the hell is Boolean logic anyway? Don't take that as an invitation to tell me. Anyway, despite these and other reservations that may come up (e-mail-there's another advantage, typing things you'd never bother to say), we hope you enjoy our site and hope to make it as much fun for you as the radio show, assuming that's fun for you.

If not, you might want to see if that warrior woman who sang the national anthem one-breasted is still posted. I printed it out for Lynn Blenker, but now that I need it, I can't find it. Some brave new world.