2009: 12 Months 12 Jokes

January

As to the challenges facing the new administration, the belief that they will find a Portuguese Water Dog at a shelter could turn out to be their WMD’s . . .

February

Octomom says she considered octobortion. But she was counseled out of it by the right to life, right to life, right to life, right to life, right to life, right to life, right to life,
right to life.

March

Levi's picture appears on Alaska milk cartons.

April

Miss California believes marriage should be between a partially clad man and a semi-nude woman. Carrie Prejean admits making graphic abstinence tape.

May

OJ Simpson appeals armed robbery conviction on grounds he's a widower.

June

Some good news for GM: the Russians are no longer bothering to target Flint, Michigan.

July

Michael Jackson's medical records go triple platinum. Michael hasn't been buried yet—waiting on clearance from the EPA. Meanwhile they are pursuing his physicians, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard.

August

WWF wrestling match degenerates into town hall meeting.

September

President delivers State of the Insurance to Congress, the riders alone taking several hours, plus the usual boiler plate. Mr. Obama made a crucial concession, giving Congress the death panel. Innovation the biggest part of the plan as the President proposes "twitter care," Blackberry delivered health care. iPhone users—there's an app for that.

October

The Top Ten Reasons for Doing Terrible, Terrible Things with David Letterman:

10. Jon Gosselin is busy.

9. This economy.

8. It's either that or stupid pet tricks.

7. There's no business like Late Show business.

6. The alternative is Paul Shaffer.

5. He leaves a nice tip on the night stand.

4. The tapings are always fun.

3. All you can eat afterwards at Soup Kitchen International.

2. You can tweet during,

And The Number One Reason for Doing Terrible, Terrible Things with David Letterman:

1. Conan likes to watch!

November

Near riot in Grand Rapids as people who had never been in a bookstore before try to get a look at Sarah and panic at all the shelves filled with books.

December

The general thinking is that Tiger was fleeing the Salahis.

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